Tuesday Schedule: Justice Samuel Alito
6am – 8:30am Wake up; breakfast served hot and punctual by the wife; praise the Christian Lord; log in with pseudonym to own libs on twitter with memes; kick cat
8:30am – 9:00am Ride to work hoisted atop Roman shield carried by scantily-clad “foetus incubators”
9:00am – 10am Work on draft ruling canceling all gay marriages
10:00am – 10:30am Evil laugh practice
10:30am – 11:45am Call Taliban to congratulate them on expansion of their head-to-toe burkha rule, then work on draft canceling U.S. women's freedom to dress themselves.
11:45am – 2:15pm Lunch with the corporate boys. Today's excuse for stiffing servers: "I don’t tip your kind."
2:15pm Call the wife to remind it of early arrival home, so have pipe, slippers and dinner ready by 5:49
2:16pm – 4pm Preside over secret witch trial. If she floats, impose death penalty
4pm – 5pm Notice that oxygen and water are not mentioned in the Constitution; write first draft of ruling turning all breathing and drinking allowances to corporations, with small exception carved out for straight white Christians.
5pm Ride home in gilded carriage pulled by the blacks while working on draft ruling canceling interracial marriage
5:30pm – 6:30pm Pipe, slippers, whiskey sours, supper; family fawning over Daddy time; kick cat
7pm – 11pm Federalist Society poker night (Star Chamber 4, as blood is still being cleaned off walls in Star Chamber 3)
Midnight Thank Angry God for creating white Christian nation; dream happy dreams of minority voter suppression
Schedule subject to change if unexpected opportunities for cruelty pop up. God Bless America.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, April 30, 2024
Note: Independent studies have confirmed that a thunderstorm does, in fact, mean that God is bowling. Just don’t ask what God’s average is or you’ll be smote. (128. Snort!)
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Star Wars Day: 4
Days 'til the Breaux Bridge Crawfish Festival in Louisiana: 3
Number of bridges considered deficient nationally in 2014: 63,000
Number of bridges considered deficient nationally now: 46,500
Number of police officer resignations in 2023, a 20% decline from 2022: 5,100
Amount Google plans to spend this year on A.I.-related data centers: $48 billion
Year of the first Kentucky Derby: 1875
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Congressman Jared Moskowitz (D-FL) trolls Gov. and puppy murderer Kristi Noem (MAGA Cult-SD)
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JEERS to spoiling all the fun. Well, hell's bells. I was all set for the big Biden impeachment hearings, followed by a unanimous Senate vote convicting him, allowing Kamala Harris to become the first woman president. I BOUGHT FORTY POUNDS OF POPCORN AND A 999-INCH WIDESCREEN TV, FOR GOD'S SAKE! I should've known it was doomed to fail, thanks to two words: Republican teamwork…
Though some Republicans may blame House oversight committee Chair James Comer (R-Ky.) for their failure to impeach President Joe Biden, the real reason is simple: The whole party bought into long-debunked conspiracy theories peddled by their leader, Donald Trump.
And the impeachment inquiry has been a true team effort, with backing from leadership and Comer sharing investigatory duties with House Ways and Means Committee Chair Jason Smith (R-Mo.) and especially House Judiciary Committee Chair Jim Jordan (R-Ohio). […]
The impeachment inquiry has since lost all momentum, with Republicans publicly acknowledging that they lack the votes to try to throw Joe Biden out of office.
Anyone wanna take 40 pounds of popcorn off my hands?
CHEERS to taking back my 40 pounds of popcorn. Gimme that! The 45thpresident is back in court today for resumption of his trial for interfering in the 2016 election by committing fraud with campaign funds to bury his porn star/Playboy bunny adultery episodes. I don’t know what lawyers for the prosecution and defense have on their agenda today, but I do know this: the plaintiff will sleep…and fart…and complain about the temperature…and violate his gag order some more…and do lots of whiny blah blah blah with his “accordion hands” from behind his little police barricade. And cable news will wring out every possible meaning of every word uttered in the courtroom, leaving us all dazed and confused. On second thought, here…you can have my popcorn back. Sorry I ate ten pounds of it while I was writing this. Sue me.
CHEERS to Great Moments in Real Estate. Hey, this item has nothing to do with popcorn! On April 30, 1803, Robert Livingston and James Monroe concluded a deal with France that increased the size of the United states by 828,000 square miles. Price tag: $23,000,000. We know it as The Louisiana Purchase. Century 21 agents know it as "The holy grail of commission checks."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to "#1." 235 years ago today, on April 30, 1789, sports bars were packed as millions watched George Washington take the oath of office as the first President of the United States. This scene from HBO's John Adams perfectly captures firsthand accounts of the awkwardness (How do we do this?), solemnity (Shut up, you guys, we're doing this), and euphoria (We did this!) that hung in the air that day:
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Time to haul out the ol' confetti cannon. Light 'em if ya got 'em.
CHEERS to Pete Buttigieg, aka Captain Ahead-of-schedule. He came, he saw, he organized, he delegated, he implemented, he supervised, and by god he did it. Last week the first cargo exited Baltimore Harbor after the bridge collapse, and yesterday the second deadline was met with time to spare:
The first container ship arrived at the Port of Baltimore since the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed more than a month ago. The MSC Cargo Passion III made it through the 35-foot temporary channel on Sunday, carrying nearly 1,000 containers.
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"Another milestone today! First container ship to arrive at Seagirt Terminal since the crisis began," the Port of Baltimore said on social media. Four temporary channels have been opened since the bridge's collapse on March 26.
The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers expects to reopen the main shipping channel—which is 700 feet wide and 50 feet deep—by the end of May.
Before you bury me in a cascade of tut-tuts: yes, kudos also to Maryland Governor Wes Moore, Baltimore Mayor Brandon Scott, and the engineers and lunch-bucket workers making all this progress with brains, grit, and determination. As for the Republican Freedom Caucus's suggestion to rebuild the bridge with used tubes of Ivermectin…um, don’t call us, we'll call you.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 30, 2014
CHEERS and JEERS to holy hijinx. There were so many popes in St. Peter's Square on Sunday that there was hardly room for anyone else. But despite the sea of humanity, two popes were successfully made saints: John XXIII (the "hippie libtard") and John Paul II (the "Polish pedophile enabler who helped dismantle the Soviet Union"). In attendance to watch Francis do his thing was PINO (pope in name only) Benedict XVI. From what I understand, there have to be documented miracles before a pope can be elevated to sainthood. John XXIII is credited with cauterizing a nun's severe bleeding, and John Paul II allegedly cured a woman of her Parkinson's disease from the great beyond. I'm guessing that Francis will be sainted eventually for pulling off the biggest pope miracle of all: making billionaires squirm.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to grinning and bear'ing it. Attention, California: you're gonna need more bamboo…
[T]he San Diego Zoo has announced they will get two new pandas from the country. They are expected to arrive this summer.
The San Diego Zoo Wildlife Alliance announced Sunday that its care team leaders visited China and met two giant pandas—Yun Chuan and Xin Bao, who will be cared for at the California zoo.
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Yun Chuan is almost 5 years old and is the grandson of Bai Yun, who lived at the San Diego Zoo for 23 years, the zoo said in a news release. His name is a combination of his grandmother's and the province where he came from, Chuan.
Xin Bao is almost four years old and, like Yun Chuan, was born at China's Wolong Shenshuping Panda Base. The name Xin Bao means "new treasure of prosperity and abundance," and the zoo describes her as "a gentle and witty introvert with a sweet round face and big ears."
I'm looking forward to their trip over here. But you know who's not? Whoever has to sit between 'em in coach during the flight.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
For the beleaguered blog Daily Kos, the odd “Cheers and Jeers” is a much-needed win.
—CNN
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